Eyes

The eyes that we are seen with make a huge impact on the way that we see ourselves.

In our first relationships with our parents/carers and in later relationships and views from society, we take in the gaze of love, of acceptance, of mutual delight, encouragement, as well as disapproval, disappointment, anger, hatred, indifference, neglect and over-concern . The ways that we experience being seen becomes a part of the eyes that we bring to ourselves: seeing parts of ourselves in the way that we were and are seen. In this way we learn to show those parts of us that were welcome in the world and also tend to hide, hate or be ashamed of the parts of us that have not been welcomed by others which can impact both us and our future relationships.

I was struck by a conversation in the dramatization of ‘The Testaments’ , based on Margaret Atwood’s book by the same name. As a part of the theocratic world that she depicts there, Gilead, there are ‘The Eyes’  - secret police who watch over women, checking that they are conforming to the society’s rules, who are known for aggressive action for those who step out of line. In the conversation that I was struck by, two young women were talking to each other – one expressing fear of ‘The Eyes’ and the other acknowledging that but, also saying that they are there for the girls’ protection. These young women were being ‘kept safe’ by being watched harshly and it was in the interest of their safety to conform and not show some elements of who they were to avoid harsh punishment. It also restricted a huge amount of themselves from being expressed and enjoyed.

Although this is a fictitious world, it felt like it portrayed an important psychological process of how people can develop harsh internal eyes. When we have grown up in and are a part of families, cultures, societies, institutions, religions that have been/ are strict, limiting, neglectful, or controlling, harsh internal eyes can have a way of keeping us safe from the unwelcome or absent gaze/ eyes of others in relationship and in society, by supporting us in being selective in what we express externally, often with a dose of shame. In this way we can protect ourselves psychologically from separation from others who we need to survive and belong with. When our internal eyes get overly critical, this can mean we have strong negative self-talk, feel very stressed, anxious, depressed and find it hard to enjoy life. Not only can it influence us personally but, also can impact the way that we look at and relate to others.

Whilst acknowledging the role of protection of those strongly critical inner eyes, and their usefulness in getting us through life until now, the pain they cause us can be large and very limiting. Developing a kindness to them and so to ourselves can reduce our experiences of shame, self-hatred, anxiety and depression and allow us to live more freely and with more enjoyment. This is something that both MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress reduction, introduced by Jon Kabat-Ziin) and MSC (Mindful Self-Compassion, introduced by Kristen Neff and Chris Germer (https://self-compassion.org/)) refer to and which Mindfulness can support us shifting the intensity of our inner critical selves. Therapy can also help with this in supporting us in becoming more aware of the situations the inner critic arose and letting go of what served in a particular situation, but may be limiting us now.