Karen Hanson Counselling

The impact of boarding school on children and the adults they become

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The impact of going to boarding school differs for each child. This is like, for all of us, whoever we are, what we go through, and how we experience it and how we are met by the people and cultures around us shapes our expression of ourselves in the world.

 

The particular system and structures of many boarding schools, that often includes a normalized loss of home and loved ones at a young age, with encouragement of low emotional expression, hiddenness of vulnerability, independence and competition shapes those who go. For those who fit in well, it can support success in workplaces and institutions such as finance, law, NHS, the armed forces, politics and the church, and being in ‘traditional’ hierarchical relationships. However, the shaping at boarding school serves less well in other workplaces, in mutual, co-operative environments and mutual intimate relationships.  

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The impact of this shaping, as success in the workplace, can be prized in middle- and upper-class society and so can be seen to be beneficial. However, the way that children are sent away too soon to live separately from their families, for the purpose of education, I believe comes at a cost. This cost is multifaceted: the too soon broken attachments, unexpressed grief of children who have lost their families, pets, friends, homes and lives before being sent away, the hidden and disconnected emotions, discomfort with body, dislike of  playfulness, fear of being and fear of not being seen, sensitivity to rejection, persistent worries about getting things wrong, struggles with theirs and others authority, and with connecting deeply with others.

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As these children grow the losses for some are hidden behind a friendly, societally successful veneer, whilst carrying a fragile insecure inner self, for others who hated the system, they can find it hard to reach their potential and for others it can mean psychological collapse. Dependency needs can be managed by being placed in others, in working hard, by being the strong one, or being the together one who just ‘gets on with it’, being the one who helps others, by being religiously or spiritually dedicated or dedicated to a cause, in use of alcohol and in drugs, by using self-denigrating and sarcastic humor – with difficulty in being openly and mutually vulnerable with those close to them.

 

​Emergence of concerns around boarding school experiences in mid-life

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Mid-life is often a time of evaluating younger experiences. Amongst this, for those who went to boarding school, often it is in mid-life that some of the limitations of the influence of boarding school, whatever their experience at the time, becomes a place of questioning – maybe prompted by a sense of un-ease, a sense of being stuck or limited, struggling with intimate relationship,  a ‘dark night’ or breakdown.

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How therapy can help

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In therapy, I support former boarders in exploring both their present difficulties and their boarding school experience where a persona was developed to survive in a competitive, emotionally restricted environment — a persona that may have been effective then but now limits access to deeper needs, feelings, and relational closeness.

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Together, we are likely to look at:

• the child who had to adapt too quickly

• the emotions that were packed away in order to cope

• the patterns that once protected but now constrain

• the longing for connection that may feel unfamiliar or risky

 

This work, for those who went to boarding school, is around allowing the adult self to reclaim what was left behind, supporting a fuller, more whole, more authentic connection, a coming home to yourself.

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I would be very happy to be contacted to talk through possibilities of working with me therapeutically around the impact of boarding school on you, a partner, parents, and family members [Contact me].

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My therapeutic work with former boarders is based on psychotherapy training run by Nick Duffell (initiator of the term ‘boarding school survivor’) and Nicola Miller (has co-run many workshops for female ex-boarders) and previous supervision by Joy Schaverien (who coined the term ‘boarding school syndrome’). This training has been important in shaping ways that I work with those who were sent away to boarding school as children.

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Helpful links:

• Leaving Home at Eight : A documentary on girls who were sent to boarding school at eight

• The Making of them: A documentary with Nick Duffell who pioneered this work , based on boys experience at boarding school

• Boarding on Insanity:  A documentary about the experience of abuse at boarding school. 

• Seen and Heard website 

• Boarding School Concern